The Little Man and not being a Stepmom anymore

I think about The Little Man all the time. Every day. I talk about him in class. I wonder how he is… but I try not to think about it; I know that he and I won’t have long heart to hearts again for a long, long time, if ever. I know it is going to be a long, tough road for him and there’s little I can do about it now.

It’s hard to know the right thing to do.  There are no models to follow, no guidelines; I’m in completely uncharted territory. I send him presents to let him know I’m thinking of him, but I think maybe I should just leave him alone. I miss the times when he and I were by ourselves and quietly talking. I don’t miss the violence and the craziness (for lack of a better word). I miss being his Mom, though. It’s an emptiness and shock I don’t think will ever go away.

{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }

  1. that is so sweet. I can totally imagine things that might shock me like this… like the loss of willow or even someone I love. I miss hearing how Zach is from you…

  2. I don’t know where to write this, so I’ll write it here. I live in Switzerland and I wonder, wonder, wonder how he is. What is he doing today? How is he doing with is new family? How do I reach him? Will he ever reach out to me?

    I talk to people about him now, but it is different because they don’t know. When I tried to talk about him with Joe this summer I bawled. I just layed there and cried and cried and cried… because Joe knows about the depth of that love and commitment. He saw it. I don’t know what to do with that commitment.

  3. I am sitting here in my first grade classroom… waiting for my kiddos to arrive in 10 minutes…bawling. My heart aches for you and thanks you for being so brave to allow us to *hopefully* help carry some of your grief. We miss you!

  4. Happy days! The little man e-mails me. We don’t sy much, but it’s nice to connect.

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